These past few days I've felt so emotional. I guess I shouldn't be surprised because I haven't been taking my anti-depressants like I'm supposed to. I wasn't skipping on purpose this time though. I just forget, or I don't feel like going to get them from my bathroom. I don't think I can blame this all on a chemical imbalance though.
I'm tired of being lonely. I'm tired of being broke. I'm tired of this state. I'm tired of the shitty state that my health is in. I'm just tired of everything.
Honestly, I want to give up. I'm not suicidal or anything. I just mean that I want to give up on life. Just accept the fact that my body is too badly broken to ever be fixed. My bones are growing in the wrong direction, my muscles are being pulled apart and my brain is firing off nuerons in the wrong directions at the wrong times. This is how it's going to be for the rest of my life.
I've always been against the idea that everyone's life is already decided, that the minute you're conceived, your life is plotted out by God, or the Universe or whatever. I've always believed that you create your own destiny. That I decide what I do and where I go. Now I'm not so sure.
What if everyone's future really IS already decided. My mom says "God put you on this earth for a reason." What if my reason isn't as significant as I thought it would be? Maybe I'm not supposed to succeed. Maybe I'm not supposed to be happy. What if the only reason I'm alive is to show other people what mistakes not to make? Like my sole purpose in life is to be a complete failure so that parents can tell their children "See. That's what happens when you fuck up. You end up like her."
I know that to get where you want to be you have to struggle. Nothing worth having comes easy. You have to work your ass off to get anywhere.
But what if you've been working hard for SO many years and nothing changes. What if every time you're finally able to get on your feet someone knocks you down again. What if it just means that you aren't supposed to get back up. What if it means that you're destined to lay on the ground for the rest of your life.
I'm tired of fighting. I'm tired of trying. I'm not going to win. Why bother? I think I could save myself a lot of heartache in the future if I just accept the fact that the rest of my life will be spent on a couch popping pills, watching tv and smoking stale cigarettes until the day that I finally die alone.