View On Black

So yesterday sucked. I was supposed to do another collaboration but my mom and brother went out and I was stuck at home with my dad all day. Who bitched at me non stop for "taking pictures" all over the house. Everytime I would get the lighting almost right he'd saying something to piss me off so I just gave up. He leaves Tuesday and I'm going to try it again because I don't like giving up. The rest of the night was pretty shitty too. Xelia called and her and Val cheered me up. They convinced me to visit them in CA for my birthday in November. I've been so depressed about it because I'll be 21 and I don't have any friends here and as much as I love my mom, I just don't think I'd have much fun hanging out at Toby Keith's Bar and Grill :/

I don't know why I'm still up, I have an appointment with my chiropractor and I have to leave at 730. I'm getting X-rays and I'm pretty anxious about it. I haven't had a full back X-ray in about 2 years and I'm really not looking forward to seeing how much worse it's gotten.

On top of that I've been having pains down where my left ovary is. I was taking a shower the other day and I looked down and that area bulges out a little. I felt around last night and there's definitely a hard lump there. I also haven't gotten my period in like 2 months. I'm sort of freaking out. I really don't need anymore health problems. My back issues terrify me enough.

Ugh, this wasn't supposed to be so depressing.

Tags:   365 365dys back scoliosis just so you guys know i'm not THAT crooked I was exagerating the pose. I think this is one of my favourite photos I've ever taken of myself. 365Nudes

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These past few days I've felt so emotional. I guess I shouldn't be surprised because I haven't been taking my anti-depressants like I'm supposed to. I wasn't skipping on purpose this time though. I just forget, or I don't feel like going to get them from my bathroom. I don't think I can blame this all on a chemical imbalance though.

I'm tired of being lonely. I'm tired of being broke. I'm tired of this state. I'm tired of the shitty state that my health is in. I'm just tired of everything.

Honestly, I want to give up. I'm not suicidal or anything. I just mean that I want to give up on life. Just accept the fact that my body is too badly broken to ever be fixed. My bones are growing in the wrong direction, my muscles are being pulled apart and my brain is firing off nuerons in the wrong directions at the wrong times. This is how it's going to be for the rest of my life.

I've always been against the idea that everyone's life is already decided, that the minute you're conceived, your life is plotted out by God, or the Universe or whatever. I've always believed that you create your own destiny. That I decide what I do and where I go. Now I'm not so sure.

What if everyone's future really IS already decided. My mom says "God put you on this earth for a reason." What if my reason isn't as significant as I thought it would be? Maybe I'm not supposed to succeed. Maybe I'm not supposed to be happy. What if the only reason I'm alive is to show other people what mistakes not to make? Like my sole purpose in life is to be a complete failure so that parents can tell their children "See. That's what happens when you fuck up. You end up like her."

I know that to get where you want to be you have to struggle. Nothing worth having comes easy. You have to work your ass off to get anywhere.

But what if you've been working hard for SO many years and nothing changes. What if every time you're finally able to get on your feet someone knocks you down again. What if it just means that you aren't supposed to get back up. What if it means that you're destined to lay on the ground for the rest of your life.

I'm tired of fighting. I'm tired of trying. I'm not going to win. Why bother? I think I could save myself a lot of heartache in the future if I just accept the fact that the rest of my life will be spent on a couch popping pills, watching tv and smoking stale cigarettes until the day that I finally die alone.

Tags:   3-22-08

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I love my hair/hands in this. I just wish I had scooted up or something so the camera wouldn't have cropped it at my butt.

See how uneven my shoulder blades are? The left one is really shifted out of place from my scoliosis. I'm surprised my arm hasn't been completely pushed out of the socket yet.

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Cause feelings mean nothing now.

Tags:   365 365days self portrait dark emotion Aug208

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I guess I only claim to be nice.

-Alkaline Trio

I had a doctors appointment today.

This is the doctor that yelled at me for getting addicted to pain killers. I haven't seen him since January. He made me go see a phsycologist or whatever, like a month ago. So I did. They sent my mental health report over to my doctor 2 days after I'd seen her. So, he's had this report for like a month. I go into my appointment and he asks me if I've seen the shrink. I say yes and he shuffles through his papers and pulls it out. Then he asks ME what she said. ???? Wait, who's the doctor? Um, READ THE FUCKING REPORT YOU MORON. I was irate. I don't get this asshat. If you've had this report for a month, and you KNOW I have an appointment coming up tomorrow, wouldn't you want to look it over? I sit quietly and smile while gripping the handles on the chair to force myself to stay sitting down so I don't blow up at the doctor. I'm only doing this for my mom's sake because he's her doctor too. He mumbles through the report and then pretty much just throws everything out the window and is ready to write me another script for Percocet.

Are you fucking kidding me?

WHYYYYYY would you even THINK about prescribing pain killers to someone with a NARCOTIC ADDICTION?! As calmly as I possibly can, I tell him no opiates, no narcotics. (By the way, I'm really proud of myself for saying no because I was in pain during the appointment and it would have been SO easy for me to say yes.) Anyway. He writes a script for Naproxen and I ask about a stronger muscle relaxer. "Well we can try you on Soma, but just be aware that it is highly addictive."

Oh my god. Can I just hit myself in the face with a hammer and get it over with?

So here I sit with a prescription for a highly addictive muscle relaxer and I don't know what to do. I'm terrified of going through addiction and withdrawal again. I can't do it. It's so hard because honestly, all it takes is ONE pill. And it makes you feel better. So you take another. And then it snowballs into a big mess.

I'm finding a new doctor.

Update - now I'm mad and SAD. For the second night in a row, my dad left a door open and my cat got out. You would have thought after last night he'd be more careful.

Only this time, we can't find my cat.

I can't sleep without her. I'm freaking out. I love that stupid cat SO much.

UPDATEI found her! Laying on a bench on the patio. Silly Bee. <3

I'm sorry if I haven't replied to any Flickrmails or comments, I'm too angry right now, I'll try and get to it later tonight after I (hopefully) calm down.

Tags:   hammer smash break broken crack anger frustration grrr alkaline trio broken glass shatter hand fingers photoshop fgtttt haha, bambi tyed that last tag 365 365days self portrait 3-11-08

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