I feel so mad
I feel so angry
I feel so callused
So lost, confused, again
I feel so cheap
So used, unfaithful
Let's start over.

-Box Car Racer

Tags:   hair B&W angry mad confused cheap unfaithful black and white messy hair frustration self portrait box car racer 365 365days

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Today's song doesn't have lyrics. But it's okay because it doesn't need them. TRUST ME.



Come on. You know you want to.

Tags:   i'm too lazy to tag my photos anymore cause everytime I start tagging them my computer slows down really bad and I don't know why. but it's irritating. who wants to go through and do it for me? haha. see, it's laggggging. the ' in it's just popped up. i'm typing too fast for my computer to keep up. this is retarded. red cross headache bw self portrait 365 365days messy hair beethoven moonlight sonata Quasi una fantasia NAP 3-8-08

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Do you ever feel like giving up?

-The Ataris

Bad day.

Tags:   cry crying tears wet eyelashes eyeball sad depressed pain ache hurt the ataris bad day 365 365days self portrait 3-9-08

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I guess I only claim to be nice.

-Alkaline Trio

I had a doctors appointment today.

This is the doctor that yelled at me for getting addicted to pain killers. I haven't seen him since January. He made me go see a phsycologist or whatever, like a month ago. So I did. They sent my mental health report over to my doctor 2 days after I'd seen her. So, he's had this report for like a month. I go into my appointment and he asks me if I've seen the shrink. I say yes and he shuffles through his papers and pulls it out. Then he asks ME what she said. ???? Wait, who's the doctor? Um, READ THE FUCKING REPORT YOU MORON. I was irate. I don't get this asshat. If you've had this report for a month, and you KNOW I have an appointment coming up tomorrow, wouldn't you want to look it over? I sit quietly and smile while gripping the handles on the chair to force myself to stay sitting down so I don't blow up at the doctor. I'm only doing this for my mom's sake because he's her doctor too. He mumbles through the report and then pretty much just throws everything out the window and is ready to write me another script for Percocet.

Are you fucking kidding me?

WHYYYYYY would you even THINK about prescribing pain killers to someone with a NARCOTIC ADDICTION?! As calmly as I possibly can, I tell him no opiates, no narcotics. (By the way, I'm really proud of myself for saying no because I was in pain during the appointment and it would have been SO easy for me to say yes.) Anyway. He writes a script for Naproxen and I ask about a stronger muscle relaxer. "Well we can try you on Soma, but just be aware that it is highly addictive."

Oh my god. Can I just hit myself in the face with a hammer and get it over with?

So here I sit with a prescription for a highly addictive muscle relaxer and I don't know what to do. I'm terrified of going through addiction and withdrawal again. I can't do it. It's so hard because honestly, all it takes is ONE pill. And it makes you feel better. So you take another. And then it snowballs into a big mess.

I'm finding a new doctor.

Update - now I'm mad and SAD. For the second night in a row, my dad left a door open and my cat got out. You would have thought after last night he'd be more careful.

Only this time, we can't find my cat.

I can't sleep without her. I'm freaking out. I love that stupid cat SO much.

UPDATEI found her! Laying on a bench on the patio. Silly Bee. <3

I'm sorry if I haven't replied to any Flickrmails or comments, I'm too angry right now, I'll try and get to it later tonight after I (hopefully) calm down.

Tags:   hammer smash break broken crack anger frustration grrr alkaline trio broken glass shatter hand fingers photoshop fgtttt haha, bambi tyed that last tag 365 365days self portrait 3-11-08

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Tearing out my hair
on a bedroom floor

-Say Anything

I'm going crazy.

Quitting smoking is HARD. Nicotine addiction is nowhere near as bad as opiate addiction, but it still blows.

I woke up obscenely early and ended up taking a 'nap' that lasted like 5 hours. Ugh. Wasted daylight again. I really didn't want to sleep that long, I was just tired.

I tried the Nicoderm patches a few times but I have really sensitive skin and they give me an awful rash and it burns and itches and gets all red and inflamed. I mean, they help with the cravings but I can't deal with my skin getting like that. So mom went out last night and got me some Nicorette gum which helps just as well as the patches but it hurts my stomach sometimes. I'm surprised at how good the gum tastes. I thought it was going to be terrible.

I just want my cigarettes back. God, all day I think "Cigarette. Cigarette. Cigarettes. Cigarette." I'm torn between wanting to quit and be healthy and breathe better and be able to work out without feeling like my lungs are going to explode, and being blissfully, ignorantly happy puffing away at my cancer sticks.

Ugh. This is brutal.

I'm surprised at how well these pictures came out. In my bathroom again, against my shower curtain with no lighting except for my bathroom lights. I know the colour between the two pictures are really off, I tried to adjust it as best I could in PS but I really don't care too much because right now all I can think about are cigarettes. To all you quitters out there - Is it normal to feel this psychotic?!

*//Also I'm sorry I've been behind on replying to comments and Flickrmails, I'll be up all night since I slept all day so hopefully I'll get back to everyone <3

Tags:   hair brunette brown hair pull tear rip pulling out my hair crazy psychotic going insane hands Say Anything cigarette nicotine addiction smoke pathetic grrrrrr gum lungs 3-13-08

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