but none of them have the same laughter & noise.
My Pro account has expired. Fucking fuck. Anyway.
Spent the day with Tammy, running errands. Got home, attempted to watch Idol but the kids were driving us crazy. I decided to pack a little bit more so I started doing that and then Tammy told me we needed to go pick up her car from the shop. At this point she was so frustrated and stressed out so I told her I'd take Isaiah for the night to give her a break. She looked like she was about to explode and her ex was being a piece of shit so she definitely needed a break. And I like spending time with the kids, one on one like this because they act much better when they're not picking on and fighting with each other. I'm really going to miss days like this. I love it when Isaiah falls asleep on me while we're watching a movie, and helping Lea with her homework, or doing her hair. Simple things. I love these kids. I love Tammy.
I wish moving wasn't such a bittersweet thing, but it really is. I'm SO happy. I'm so relieved to be going HOME. But I'm leaving behind one of the best friends I've ever had and two kids who love me unconditionally.
I did tell Tammy that we found a house and things are going to be moving pretty quickly from this point. It's hard because I don't want to hurt her and I don't want her to think I'm choosing between her and Lindsey. I'm not. I just need to do what's best for me right now, even if it is scary and hard.
It's finally sunk in that I'm moving. I'm packing everything up. My parents are getting me a car because the poor truck won't make it cross country. Which I'm really upset about. I fucking love that truck. But anyway, it's definitely hit me now and I'm feeling so many things all at once. I'm excited, happy, I feel lighter and very optimistic. At the same time, I'm starting to feel doubt and fear and panic. What if I can't do this? It's scary! I've never lived on my own before, I'm 23 and still living with my parents. And it's not like I'm just moving a few minutes away - I'm moving across the country! I can't just call my parents to come over and help me cause I'm freaking out. I know I can do this. I know I can.
It's just hard. I also can't take Chunky with me because the house we're renting doesn't allow pets. My heart is breaking.
Tammy, the kids, Chunky. I love them all SO much. I just didn't think about everything I would be leaving behind when I moved.