There will be a hidden message
about a [girl] that loves a girl.
- Box Car Racer
So for the past week I've tried several times to come out to my mom. She knows I want to talk to her about something and she keeps bugging my to tell her what it is. Every time I try I either freeze up and chicken out and say "We'll talk about it later" and make some excuse why we can't talk about it now and change the subject. Or I'll get to "...I..." and then I start crying and run away. Me and my mom have such great, close relationship and I really didn't think it was going to be this hard. I finally just wrote it all down in a letter. I've decided it would be easier to give it to her and let her read it and then let her talk to me when she's ready to talk about it. I feel like such a coward but I don't know how else to do it. I'm still really proud of the fact that I AM doing it though. It's not an easy thing to look into your mothers eyes and say "I'm Gay."
Anyway. In just a few hours she'll know. And I'll wake up terrified and nervous. And relieved.
I just hope she wants to talk about it. I WANT to talk about it. I'm afraid she'll try to avoid me or ignore it. It's just a stupid irrational fear though, because I know my mom and she's not like that.
It's funny, just a few hours ago I got scared and was being a baby and went crying to her. I told her I felt bad because I was being a baby. She said "What are moms for? You're my child." And I said "But I'm an adult. I should be able to handle these things by myself." She said "You're my child and you'll always be my child. And I'll always love you."
I just hope she remembers that tomorrow when she's reading my letter.
